I loved you and
You loved me not enough
Leaving me broken.
TLW
Tag: VTAF
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She doesn’t look like the person I loved because she wasn’t.
She was never real with you, that was not her,this is her.
She has always been this person, but you refused to see.
She was never your person, and you
were just convenient.
So doesn’t look like the person I love
because she isn’t.
T.L.W
12/14/22 -
I get so stuck with thinking that this pain is because I miss her. There is no denying the pain, it has been all consuming. It has permeated through every facet of life, leaving the stain of pain across my heart and soul. I can’t deny the pain yet attempt to when I seek ways back to her. I can have a memory that is positive that makes me feel that warmth, and my heart then yearns for that feeling, my heart hurts that it is lost, and then I am broken that it never existed. The pain, the constant thinking, the insanity was all worth it when I thought there was a light, that she shared the pain, the misery the loss, that she also ran through the thoughts of what we were, what we were working toward. But now that I see for all this time she was still running, still hiding from any real emotion, to selfish to allow herself to be honest with herself and others. It drives a spike of anger through every fiber of body, shaking me literally and metaphorically to the core. A rage like no other felt before, wrapped in shame, disgust and embarrassment. When I was broken, when I was trying to hold myself together and find a way forward, she was running from her feelings still. Just as she was running from them when she met and left me, a constant flight and no fight. She was running from a codependent marriage she had struggled for years to leave, fix, justify and almost left you to go to back to that, because it was easy. She attempted to leave but didn’t…you thought it was because she loved you…but it’s because she needed you, and when she didn’t anymore she could walk away. None of her concerns were big enough to leave…not when she needed me. She couldn’t have imagined making it through her mothers passing without me, she wanted me to stay for that, my kids and ADD were not issues when she need me. That is the sign of a selfish person, that is the sign of a person who knows what they are doing and makes an active choice to do so. All of this was almost ok, all of this I could justify away on her being broken, her not being ready. I was able to hold hope she would realize all of this and say all the things to set my mind to ease. My blind, naïve, trusting self believed a relationship of any kind was too much for her, that she should not have gotten serious with me, and didn’t have room for that in her life. That she recognized her unhealthy pattern and wanted to change it, or at least that she needed to guard herself and her family. It was the time and emotional commitment to another she was saying she was unable to fit in her life, she wasn’t able to be in a relationship. That all feels ok, that all feels like it is no ones fault, that it’s not really that she didn’t like my kids, that its not really that she couldn’t take on my emotions of my children’s issues. None of this, not one fucking piece of it feels good or ok anymore. Because while I was suffering through the worst pain in my life, struggling to hold on to my life let alone myself. While I was feeling all the pain, she was running and hiding behind a new relationship? The one thing she couldn’t do, and certainly shouldn’t do was start a new relationship…now it looks like within weeks not only had she found someone new, she was instantly in love again…so instead of deal with the pain and loss, she moved on to justify and hide her feelings. Replace one feeling with another, feed love addiction, feed codependency. That is what hurts…and that is what creates the anger. I suffered alone, I did the work to get through my feelings, I was stuck holding the pain. She nearly killed me, that is not an exaggeration. She broke me in ways I never thought possible, the extent, the degree, the intensity of the pain is beyond any feeling good or bad I have ever had. And she disregarded me and my feelings again, for the betterment of herself and her situation. I am a huge fan of karma when it seems to work…I am happy that her new fucking man who seems to not be there for her, her songs are not of joy and new love…but of not wanting lost love or what she has…so it took a couple weeks to fall in love, and a couple more to be on the rocks…can you say pattern? Only this time it looks like its not her choice, not her control…and that makes me feel so good, I know I am I rotten person for feeling that, and am ok with that. I can live with that, and smile about it through clinched teeth of anger and exasperation at the shame I feel for holding out so long for some thing that was never love, but for something from some one who could hurt me so bad. The shame of hope, the thoughts, the dreams, the tears…that I thought maybe just maybe…she meant what she said, and that I did mean something to her, and she will likely think I did, and her bull shit note a few weeks ago about contact being to much for her “heart and head” had nothing to do with hurting about missing you, she is fucking guilty. She has to live with knowing what she did to me, that she lied to me and herself.
She is shamed by her family and friends for what she put me through and walked away from when things were still good…because of her fears, that she went right out and did the same fucking thing. So, all the people she used to help her through two separations leading to her divorce, her tumor, her worries and doubts with me, her mothers passing and any attempts for support leaving me, aren’t there anymore. They won’t keep standing by and supporting her unhealthy patterns, so she has had to reach out to new friends and be forced to be more dependent on another man, so likely she doesn’t love them, they don’t love her and the relationship with crash and burn and her supports will be less inclined to support her. So her attempt to find herself, to only worry about herself and her family has backfired so horribly. Because I was always good enough for her, I always gave more than she noticed, and her friends and family saw it, and weren’t ok with her sudden flip-flop, because it was not fair and not right to do to some one, and she knew it which is why she did it over text, which is why she never wanted to talk about it…Because it took weeks for her to build her wall, and solidify it in dependency on another to avoid the pain. So I wish her nothing but the worst. I am beyond angry, I am beyond hurt.
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Inspiration must not come from desperation, that is what can cause a real writers block, or dam as dams hold back powerful things and the written word can be just that very powerful.
I started to come to realizations that I needed to come too…I needed to be ok with not being with her, I had to choose it. This is very freeing and most everyone you ask will tell you the same thing…once you let go of an unhealthy attachment/relationship you are set free. What they don’t tell you is that freedom can feel boring, dull, a life without passion…because all the love, obsessing, needing, worrying, trying to meet expectations, trying to avoid not being enough, criticizing myself for her, living for some one other than me. While all that stuff sounds bad…it is also very time consuming of the body and mind, and if she moves out of my head space that is a huge vacancy. NOW, the unhealthy me would have done anything (and anyone) to fill the void, to not have that free mind space, to not have to feel alone. That would have been a really bad option, as I would never have processed the loss and grief of losing what I thought at the time was the love of my life. Now, I see that clearly is not the case…we are done, doesn’t matter if she is done, I don’t need anything for her for me to be done, and frankly I am done. I am tired of thinking about her, it is draining and not very rewarding in any way for me. I can still have a pleasant thought or memory, and it can make me feel good, and can make me feel like I want the warm embrace, the “I love you’s”, knowing I was her person when she needed me. But that can also then make me miss it, the feeling and want it again…BUT it doesn’t have to be with her, and I needed to get to the point where I knew it was not what I wanted anymore. Beyond the codependence, beyond working through how we have could ever have a relationship…I can never ever go back to a situation where I feel insecure in the relationship…and intentional or not…that was a constant in our relationship (and maybe for her too)
I was always worried that I would not be good enough, she also worried that I wouldn’t be enough. Or stress was shared…but so fucked up when I reflect on it and see what it was, and what I don’t want. The dynamic was always egg shells for me…I didn’t want to do or say the wrong thing…and she was on egg shells because I wasn’t good enough and she wanted to change me. But the point is I was in what I thought was the love of a lifetime…and because of that I was so caught up in not losing it…because she made it clear early on that losing her was an option, it was your control. She could be as emotionally needy and clingy as possible, needing me every second to feel well, making every second I had be spent with her…filled with grand professions of love, major purchases, shared life choices. She could give all of that, and still be in control. Because I was insecure and the stage was set for me to prove myself, and for me to never be enough for her, she would always have the projected worry…because she knew and she could feel the resentment she felt from him for over a decade…that SHE believed he felt like he was never good enough, no matter what…it was her biggest fear, and she manifested it. I am over the way I was disregarded in the relationship. How all the control was in her hands, you can pretend it wasn’t but it was. She can pretend she did not know…but she did. And at the first sign I wanted an equal in the realm of parenting, and decision making…she was no longer interested…because I would never be enough. I could be everything she never had in a guy, but she would want that and more…because it is easier for her to run than fight. And that is character, her character that did not think beyond herself…that was unable to do what I had done for her, unable to make the sacrifice or even try. That’s not what the love of my life would do, I know this now…and so I also know its not her.
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I had been down this road before.
I knew what this feeling had in store…
But I kept on, down the road,
Oh I kept on down that road.
Couldn’t resist the look in her eyes,
Or the fear of the goodbyes.
I wanted to hold you through the night
Keep warm in my arms wrapped tight
Lay or heads down on pillows for rest
Search our souls to the final test
I had been down this road before
Already knew what was in store
couldn’t stop from wanting more
What I want I am not sure
I had been down this road before
I knew what it had in store.
I lie awake at night and ache for you
I walk my days in search of you
My heart is empty yet remains whole
The pieces taken are from the soul
And yet I still have love to share
Don’t know if she would even care.
I had been down this road before
Already knew what was in store
Couldn’t stop from wanting more
What I want I am not sure
I have been down this road before
So knew what it had in store.
I just don’t want to hurt no more
I want to be happy like before
Don’t want hurt no more
Just be happy like before…
I already knew what was in store
Cuase I been down this road before. -
Or if I need to say anything…or having anything to say…
Which seems like an odd phrase for those who know me…because I am a chatter box, I will talk your ear off. 4 Hour Road Trip..no worries I got you covered round trip. That’s a majority of what this is for me at this point, a way to purge the nonsense in my mind.
So I did not add this weekend, because I was very busy celebrating my youngest’s 8th Birthday!!! So being a single dad this year was not my year to have him, but his mom was great and we had the party all together for him. So many smiles this year, so many changes…the most glaring change is that he had a birthday that was not high-jacked by COVID, so had friends and family all at once for a huge Birthday infusion to make up for the past two years for boring parties with not kids, no fun. The day was great, and the weather actually concerning for Vermont in November, it was 75 degrees out! It was not a sunny day, it was an over cast day. If you were inside it looked like a windy dreary fall day outside, however once you stepped out it was almost balmy out. So the day was great, positive and another step toward the normal life again.
Rather Random Ramblings: Northern VT 