I can’t go. I am working so hard to move on, move up, or just move at all. I am not stuck but at the same time am paralyzed by fear and anxiety. I am not emotionally stuck, but physically. I can’t imagine sharing the same space as her again…the feelings the energy, the pain , loss, anger, hunger, yearning. All coming to the surface in a moment where you need to show the dignity you were never given, the ending and respect. As much as you have spent months wanting to force that, do you have the strength to hold it back? In the moment? Would you swallow your feelings and let them continue to eat away at the very soul and person you want to share, she is killing that version of you and breeding this version, feeding it. In that moment you would need to breathe without hearing her calming voice telling you too. You need to be able to manage your emotions, and to do that you must understand your emotions and to do that you have to be real, and you have to be willing to do it. You are not prepared; despite all you imagine, you are not because until you can see a real world scenario where seeing and feeling her again doesn’t destroy you, you are not ready.
It’s seem so strong
so real, so lasting
Until they are broken.
The strength of the connection,
is the strength of the loss.
Yet we continue to search
for that everlasting connection.
Knowing it can create an
everlasting loss once we find it.
She doesn’t look like the person I loved because she wasn’t.
She was never real with you, that was not her,this is her.
She has always been this person, but you refused to see.
She was never your person, and you
were just convenient.
So doesn’t look like the person I love
because she isn’t.
It feels like torture
Even when I want to push you out
When I am done with you
When I want nothing else
Even when I am not holding on
You won’t leave me.
You have imprinted on my soul.
I want to move beyond
I want to move forward
But my soul is still holding on
You won’t leave me.
I get so stuck with thinking that this pain is because I miss her. There is no denying the pain, it has been all consuming. It has permeated through every facet of life, leaving the stain of pain across my heart and soul. I can’t deny the pain yet attempt to when I seek ways back to her. I can have a memory that is positive that makes me feel that warmth, and my heart then yearns for that feeling, my heart hurts that it is lost, and then I am broken that it never existed. The pain, the constant thinking, the insanity was all worth it when I thought there was a light, that she shared the pain, the misery the loss, that she also ran through the thoughts of what we were, what we were working toward. But now that I see for all this time she was still running, still hiding from any real emotion, to selfish to allow herself to be honest with herself and others. It drives a spike of anger through every fiber of body, shaking me literally and metaphorically to the core. A rage like no other felt before, wrapped in shame, disgust and embarrassment. When I was broken, when I was trying to hold myself together and find a way forward, she was running from her feelings still. Just as she was running from them when she met and left me, a constant flight and no fight. She was running from a codependent marriage she had struggled for years to leave, fix, justify and almost left you to go to back to that, because it was easy. She attempted to leave but didn’t…you thought it was because she loved you…but it’s because she needed you, and when she didn’t anymore she could walk away. None of her concerns were big enough to leave…not when she needed me. She couldn’t have imagined making it through her mothers passing without me, she wanted me to stay for that, my kids and ADD were not issues when she need me. That is the sign of a selfish person, that is the sign of a person who knows what they are doing and makes an active choice to do so. All of this was almost ok, all of this I could justify away on her being broken, her not being ready. I was able to hold hope she would realize all of this and say all the things to set my mind to ease. My blind, naïve, trusting self believed a relationship of any kind was too much for her, that she should not have gotten serious with me, and didn’t have room for that in her life. That she recognized her unhealthy pattern and wanted to change it, or at least that she needed to guard herself and her family. It was the time and emotional commitment to another she was saying she was unable to fit in her life, she wasn’t able to be in a relationship. That all feels ok, that all feels like it is no ones fault, that it’s not really that she didn’t like my kids, that its not really that she couldn’t take on my emotions of my children’s issues. None of this, not one fucking piece of it feels good or ok anymore. Because while I was suffering through the worst pain in my life, struggling to hold on to my life let alone myself. While I was feeling all the pain, she was running and hiding behind a new relationship? The one thing she couldn’t do, and certainly shouldn’t do was start a new relationship…now it looks like within weeks not only had she found someone new, she was instantly in love again…so instead of deal with the pain and loss, she moved on to justify and hide her feelings. Replace one feeling with another, feed love addiction, feed codependency. That is what hurts…and that is what creates the anger. I suffered alone, I did the work to get through my feelings, I was stuck holding the pain. She nearly killed me, that is not an exaggeration. She broke me in ways I never thought possible, the extent, the degree, the intensity of the pain is beyond any feeling good or bad I have ever had. And she disregarded me and my feelings again, for the betterment of herself and her situation. I am a huge fan of karma when it seems to work…I am happy that her new fucking man who seems to not be there for her, her songs are not of joy and new love…but of not wanting lost love or what she has…so it took a couple weeks to fall in love, and a couple more to be on the rocks…can you say pattern? Only this time it looks like its not her choice, not her control…and that makes me feel so good, I know I am I rotten person for feeling that, and am ok with that. I can live with that, and smile about it through clinched teeth of anger and exasperation at the shame I feel for holding out so long for some thing that was never love, but for something from some one who could hurt me so bad. The shame of hope, the thoughts, the dreams, the tears…that I thought maybe just maybe…she meant what she said, and that I did mean something to her, and she will likely think I did, and her bull shit note a few weeks ago about contact being to much for her “heart and head” had nothing to do with hurting about missing you, she is fucking guilty. She has to live with knowing what she did to me, that she lied to me and herself.
She is shamed by her family and friends for what she put me through and walked away from when things were still good…because of her fears, that she went right out and did the same fucking thing. So, all the people she used to help her through two separations leading to her divorce, her tumor, her worries and doubts with me, her mothers passing and any attempts for support leaving me, aren’t there anymore. They won’t keep standing by and supporting her unhealthy patterns, so she has had to reach out to new friends and be forced to be more dependent on another man, so likely she doesn’t love them, they don’t love her and the relationship with crash and burn and her supports will be less inclined to support her. So her attempt to find herself, to only worry about herself and her family has backfired so horribly. Because I was always good enough for her, I always gave more than she noticed, and her friends and family saw it, and weren’t ok with her sudden flip-flop, because it was not fair and not right to do to some one, and she knew it which is why she did it over text, which is why she never wanted to talk about it…Because it took weeks for her to build her wall, and solidify it in dependency on another to avoid the pain. So I wish her nothing but the worst. I am beyond angry, I am beyond hurt.