She doesn’t look like the person I loved because she wasn’t.
She was never real with you, that was not her,this is her.
She has always been this person, but you refused to see.
She was never your person, and you
were just convenient.
So doesn’t look like the person I love
because she isn’t.
It feels like torture
Even when I want to push you out
When I am done with you
When I want nothing else
Even when I am not holding on
You won’t leave me.
You have imprinted on my soul.
I want to move beyond
I want to move forward
But my soul is still holding on
You won’t leave me.
When one realizes they don’t want the love they had back. When you realize you are not holding on to anything, that there is and possibly never was anything real. The illusions you held for so long shattered when she left. The illusion of healing to reconnect ourselves back in love shattered. She never placed your feelings first, though she claims too. Her “role” as the empath, who always places others needs before her own, is actually fueled by narcissism. The exact trait I was trying to avoid, the thought system I had battled for years. I know I am insecure, so did she. I know I am fragile, so did she. I did not know I was vulnerable, but she did. Every phase of the relationship wrought with doubt, while we were saying each other was the one? Doubt mixed with neediness? How does that even work…well it doesn’t. She had the ability to treat me with respect and dignity she claimed to have. Every opportunity that she had to make the choice to treat you and your relationship with respect, she avoided. Every opportunity to do the right thing, to get closure, she avoided because of her own fear, her own emotions. She always did what was best and easiest for her, at the expense of your feelings. That is not empathy it is selfish, self serving. It is about no one but her.
Being able to step back and see this should make me mad, should make feel relief I got out the situation, out of the relationship. Yet, it only serves to hurt me further. It makes me feel more insecure, more broken, more worthless. I reached out multiple times just to be able to move on…to come to actual closure. And she avoided why? At first I saw it as self preservation, shielding herself from the pain the reality of our break meant. That it was just too, difficult for her process, because it was breaking her heart to make this choice. That’s fair that I can understand and accept. I feared she had moved on very early on…couple weeks removed from house hunting and major RV purchase…and she is already falling in love? There was never any indication that this would have been a motive for her, or even a possibility …I mean she was leaving me because she felt “she had too” that she needed to focus on herself and family and not a relationship. She could have said “I found someone else” and she likely would have hurt me by saying that, but that was the respectful, mature right thing to do. Not telling wasn’t for my protection…not telling was her self preservation…she didn’t want feel bad, she didn’t want to feel guilty about herself, she didn’t want to see she was selfish. And most importantly…she did not want to feel ANY of the pain or loss I was suffering with the relationship ending…she wanted to avoid, seek a way to not have to process her own emotions. She can’t be alone so the solution was easy…she is so afraid to be alone, but says she is afraid to need somebody. She hide her pain in the arms of another…it’s not the relationship she has that hurts, it’s the disregard for my emotions, my well being. This shows how broken she is and would have continued to be broken in our relationship, she would have continued to make me feel like I was not enough, I would have continued to worry she would leave, because it felt she was always about too. None of that is how being in love is supposed to look, or feel. Love is not easy, but love is kind. Being aware of how your actions, and decisions affect those you care about is easy. Understanding that protecting yourself and your feelings can cause great pain for another is easy. These qualities must live in the person I love, because they make love easy, because they make it possible to do the work. This is what I thought I had and clearly didn’t, this is what hurts. The blatant disregard for me as a person, let alone the person who she claimed to love…really just hurts.
And I don’t want to be, and don’t need to be, yet here I am again (still). I took steps so I would t keep searching for anything. So I wouldn’t try and analyze her relationships, and why some appear strained. I can imagine it is because they didn’t approve of how she treated me, because they didn’t support her decisions. I can project it is because of what she had already used them for, as a support to support her connection to me…that they were just as stunned as I, and didn’t understand. But I don’t know and will never know that stuff. Which is why, you have to ask yourself “what am I gaining by doing that?” What benefit is it to me? And if it’s not, in anyway…then stop doing it. None of my projections, none of my scenarios, none of my attempts to connect or remain connected matter for anything. Temporarily they were able to dull, avoid the pain…but all it has really done is prolong the pain, and resist healing. Part of that healing has to be fully accepting it is over. That she is gone. That the love you had committed to is gone. That the life you had been building is gone. Because as long as you hold out hope, as long as you keep the door open, you invite the pain back. The only way to end the pain is to accept this persons role in your life has completed ended. They no longer serve any purpose in your life, and they no longer deserve any of your thoughts or emotions. Severing this has been a challenge all this time, giving up hope has been challenging. Now you know you don’t what that relationship again, and you have seen their true colors. You can see how unfair this whole process has been, how her taking the easy way out makes it so much harder on other people, that hiding the pain is only going hurt her in the long wrong, and she is making the same mistake again or already has and is destined to fail. I can pretend I care and pretend I don’t care. Either way it is pretending. You need to remember that everyone of those good memories…every warm and positive feeling…was followed by one of insecurity, that you could lose or ruin it. That every amazing moment had to paired with doubt from her…I reason why “but”. She needed and wanted you so much to be what she needed you to be. You were able to do that and meet her immediate needs, and it felt good too. But she needed someone to meet every need. She had projected all the traits “the one” would have…and I was supposed to be the one, then I needed to check all the boxes, and if I didn’t…or she thought I couldn’t, doubt worry projection. I read this from her and she couldn’t/ wouldn’t communicate it to me…so I was in constant worry about being enough. She fulfilled her prophecy…of making me feel like I would never be good enough…because that is her character. You can’t change that, you can work around or with it…but you can’t change it. She couldn’t change it, I couldn’t help but feel it, and without communication it all fell apart. And now you see that she didn’t ever want any of that, she wanted only to make things easier for her. Leaving was that, falling fast in love to avoid having to feel was that, not talking about it was that, ending it on text was that, not respecting you enough to talk to you, and not respecting you enough to say something. You don’t want that character in your person, and you can find a person with the right character, whose character wouldn’t treat you the way she did. A person whose character would never hurt you like that. A person who is not her.