I am broken tired and confused

And I don’t want to be, and don’t need to be, yet here I am again (still). I took steps so I would t keep searching for anything. So I wouldn’t try and analyze her relationships, and why some appear strained. I can imagine it is because they didn’t approve of how she treated me, because they didn’t support her decisions. I can project it is because of what she had already used them for, as a support to support her connection to me…that they were just as stunned as I, and didn’t understand. But I don’t know and will never know that stuff. Which is why, you have to ask yourself “what am I gaining by doing that?” What benefit is it to me? And if it’s not, in anyway…then stop doing it. None of my projections, none of my scenarios, none of my attempts to connect or remain connected matter for anything. Temporarily they were able to dull, avoid the pain…but all it has really done is prolong the pain, and resist healing. Part of that healing has to be fully accepting it is over. That she is gone. That the love you had committed to is gone. That the life you had been building is gone. Because as long as you hold out hope, as long as you keep the door open, you invite the pain back. The only way to end the pain is to accept this persons role in your life has completed ended. They no longer serve any purpose in your life, and they no longer deserve any of your thoughts or emotions. Severing this has been a challenge all this time, giving up hope has been challenging. Now you know you don’t what that relationship again, and you have seen their true colors. You can see how unfair this whole process has been, how her taking the easy way out makes it so much harder on other people, that hiding the pain is only going hurt her in the long wrong, and she is making the same mistake again or already has and is destined to fail. I can pretend I care and pretend I don’t care. Either way it is pretending. You need to remember that everyone of those good memories…every warm and positive feeling…was followed by one of insecurity, that you could lose or ruin it. That every amazing moment had to paired with doubt from her…I reason why “but”. She needed and wanted you so much to be what she needed you to be. You were able to do that and meet her immediate needs, and it felt good too. But she needed someone to meet every need. She had projected all the traits “the one” would have…and I was supposed to be the one, then I needed to check all the boxes, and if I didn’t…or she thought I couldn’t, doubt worry projection. I read this from her and she couldn’t/ wouldn’t communicate it to me…so I was in constant worry about being enough. She fulfilled her prophecy…of making me feel like I would never be good enough…because that is her character. You can’t change that, you can work around or with it…but you can’t change it. She couldn’t change it, I couldn’t help but feel it, and without communication it all fell apart. And now you see that she didn’t ever want any of that, she wanted only to make things easier for her. Leaving was that, falling fast in love to avoid having to feel was that, not talking about it was that, ending it on text was that, not respecting you enough to talk to you, and not respecting you enough to say something. You don’t want that character in your person, and you can find a person with the right character, whose character wouldn’t treat you the way she did. A person whose character would never hurt you like that. A person who is not her.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: