I just need to remind myself…

How I was feeling a month ago, how I have felt over the past months. I need to remember all the pain. I need to remember when I was broken and why. I was broken because she couldn’t see a future with me. I was the best thing to come into her life and shaped it in so many ways and was exactly what she needed at the time. But…she didn’t know if she could get over her little hang ups that she felt holding her back…the fear in the pit of her stomach that she could not name. Instead she spent her time telling you how much she loved and needed you every second, followed by fear for not being happy long term? I agree it seems each obstacle she projected once overcome another came in its place. The fear was rationale…we all have it…but it doesn’t always have an identifiable root, and it isn’t always bad. Fears need to be discussed and expressed in an open and safe way. When we know we can do that with our partners the fear is no longer present, it is no longer debilitating. You know your partner can hear your fears and help ease them or share them. You know you are safe because you are secure in the relationship. As amazing as we called our relationship we were never in a safe place to actually discuss our future. We were good to daydream about things, and project about the future, building tradition and building our lives together. But we were not good at talking about our insecurities and fears about the future, about fearing we would fail in a relationship again. She was insecure and worried likely due to nothing that actually had to do with me, she was following her flight response and misidentifying it as her gut telling her something was off. Something was off…this was real, this was going to be work, this was going to be difficult, and for the first time in her life, a man was willing to share his emotions, to hold her emotions, to put her first. This did no jive with her childhood trauma, her years of co-dependent marriage and the realization her mom lived in one for decades. She was very uncomfortable being dependent on another…it was not her nature, not her comfort zone and she felt that, but didn’t identify it…

And this is the part I need to remember…we could have talked, we could have tried to make it work. She made a choice not too, it doesn’t matter why she did , why she choose it. It doesn’t matter how she has been able to keep her choice, it doesn’t matter what she has decided to do with love and relationships. It does not matter that she is so broken she can’t see and will continue to make the same mistakes. The only thing that matter’s is when she was faced with the choice “Are you strong enough to stand by me through this?” “Are you willing to put in the work?” The answer was a very clear and resounding NO. She is not strong enough to be their for you, she is not willing to put in the work. Because you never would have been good enough? Doesn’t matter. Because she was broken? Doesn’t matter. Because the WHY will never change the WHAT, and its the WHAT which caused all the pain, and that can never be taken back.

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