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  • It feels like torture

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  • It often hurts

    When one realizes they don’t want the love they had back. When you realize you are not holding on to anything, that there is and possibly never was anything real. The illusions you held for so long shattered when she left. The illusion of healing to reconnect ourselves back in love shattered. She never placed your feelings first, though she claims too. Her “role” as the empath, who always places others needs before her own, is actually fueled by narcissism. The exact trait I was trying to avoid, the thought system I had battled for years. I know I am insecure, so did she. I know I am fragile, so did she. I did not know I was vulnerable, but she did. Every phase of the relationship wrought with doubt, while we were saying each other was the one? Doubt mixed with neediness? How does that even work…well it doesn’t. She had the ability to treat me with respect and dignity she claimed to have. Every opportunity that she had to make the choice to treat you and your relationship with respect, she avoided. Every opportunity to do the right thing, to get closure, she avoided because of her own fear, her own emotions. She always did what was best and easiest for her, at the expense of your feelings. That is not empathy it is selfish, self serving. It is about no one but her.

    Being able to step back and see this should make me mad, should make feel relief I got out the situation, out of the relationship. Yet, it only serves to hurt me further. It makes me feel more insecure, more broken, more worthless. I reached out multiple times just to be able to move on…to come to actual closure. And she avoided why? At first I saw it as self preservation, shielding herself from the pain the reality of our break meant. That it was just too, difficult for her process, because it was breaking her heart to make this choice. That’s fair that I can understand and accept. I feared she had moved on very early on…couple weeks removed from house hunting and major RV purchase…and she is already falling in love? There was never any indication that this would have been a motive for her, or even a possibility …I mean she was leaving me because she felt “she had too” that she needed to focus on herself and family and not a relationship. She could have said “I found someone else” and she likely would have hurt me by saying that, but that was the respectful, mature right thing to do. Not telling wasn’t for my protection…not telling was her self preservation…she didn’t want feel bad, she didn’t want to feel guilty about herself, she didn’t want to see she was selfish. And most importantly…she did not want to feel ANY of the pain or loss I was suffering with the relationship ending…she wanted to avoid, seek a way to not have to process her own emotions. She can’t be alone so the solution was easy…she is so afraid to be alone, but says she is afraid to need somebody. She hide her pain in the arms of another…it’s not the relationship she has that hurts, it’s the disregard for my emotions, my well being. This shows how broken she is and would have continued to be broken in our relationship, she would have continued to make me feel like I was not enough, I would have continued to worry she would leave, because it felt she was always about too. None of that is how being in love is supposed to look, or feel. Love is not easy, but love is kind. Being aware of how your actions, and decisions affect those you care about is easy. Understanding that protecting yourself and your feelings can cause great pain for another is easy. These qualities must live in the person I love, because they make love easy, because they make it possible to do the work. This is what I thought I had and clearly didn’t, this is what hurts. The blatant disregard for me as a person, let alone the person who she claimed to love…really just hurts.

  • Pretending

  • I am broken tired and confused

    And I don’t want to be, and don’t need to be, yet here I am again (still). I took steps so I would t keep searching for anything. So I wouldn’t try and analyze her relationships, and why some appear strained. I can imagine it is because they didn’t approve of how she treated me, because they didn’t support her decisions. I can project it is because of what she had already used them for, as a support to support her connection to me…that they were just as stunned as I, and didn’t understand. But I don’t know and will never know that stuff. Which is why, you have to ask yourself “what am I gaining by doing that?” What benefit is it to me? And if it’s not, in anyway…then stop doing it. None of my projections, none of my scenarios, none of my attempts to connect or remain connected matter for anything. Temporarily they were able to dull, avoid the pain…but all it has really done is prolong the pain, and resist healing. Part of that healing has to be fully accepting it is over. That she is gone. That the love you had committed to is gone. That the life you had been building is gone. Because as long as you hold out hope, as long as you keep the door open, you invite the pain back. The only way to end the pain is to accept this persons role in your life has completed ended. They no longer serve any purpose in your life, and they no longer deserve any of your thoughts or emotions. Severing this has been a challenge all this time, giving up hope has been challenging. Now you know you don’t what that relationship again, and you have seen their true colors. You can see how unfair this whole process has been, how her taking the easy way out makes it so much harder on other people, that hiding the pain is only going hurt her in the long wrong, and she is making the same mistake again or already has and is destined to fail. I can pretend I care and pretend I don’t care. Either way it is pretending. You need to remember that everyone of those good memories…every warm and positive feeling…was followed by one of insecurity, that you could lose or ruin it. That every amazing moment had to paired with doubt from her…I reason why “but”. She needed and wanted you so much to be what she needed you to be. You were able to do that and meet her immediate needs, and it felt good too. But she needed someone to meet every need. She had projected all the traits “the one” would have…and I was supposed to be the one, then I needed to check all the boxes, and if I didn’t…or she thought I couldn’t, doubt worry projection. I read this from her and she couldn’t/ wouldn’t communicate it to me…so I was in constant worry about being enough. She fulfilled her prophecy…of making me feel like I would never be good enough…because that is her character. You can’t change that, you can work around or with it…but you can’t change it. She couldn’t change it, I couldn’t help but feel it, and without communication it all fell apart. And now you see that she didn’t ever want any of that, she wanted only to make things easier for her. Leaving was that, falling fast in love to avoid having to feel was that, not talking about it was that, ending it on text was that, not respecting you enough to talk to you, and not respecting you enough to say something. You don’t want that character in your person, and you can find a person with the right character, whose character wouldn’t treat you the way she did. A person whose character would never hurt you like that. A person who is not her.

  • This is why you move on

    I get so stuck with thinking that this pain is because I miss her. There is no denying the pain, it has been all consuming. It has permeated through every facet of life, leaving the stain of pain across my heart and soul. I can’t deny the pain yet attempt to when I seek ways back to her. I can have a memory that is positive that makes me feel that warmth, and my heart then yearns for that feeling, my heart hurts that it is lost, and then I am broken that it never existed. The pain, the constant thinking, the insanity was all worth it when I thought there was a light, that she shared the pain, the misery the loss, that she also ran through the thoughts of what we were, what we were working toward. But now that I see for all this time she was still running, still hiding from any real emotion, to selfish to allow herself to be honest with herself and others. It drives a spike of anger through every fiber of body, shaking me literally and metaphorically to the core. A rage like no other felt before, wrapped in shame, disgust and embarrassment. When I was broken, when I was trying to hold myself together and find a way forward, she was running from her feelings still. Just as she was running from them when she met and left me, a constant flight and no fight. She was running from a codependent marriage she had struggled for years to leave, fix, justify and almost left you to go to back to that, because it was easy. She attempted to leave but didn’t…you thought it was because she loved you…but it’s because she needed you, and when she didn’t anymore she could walk away. None of her concerns were big enough to leave…not when she needed me. She couldn’t have imagined making it through her mothers passing without me, she wanted me to stay for that, my kids and ADD were not issues when she need me. That is the sign of a selfish person, that is the sign of a person who knows what they are doing and makes an active choice to do so. All of this was almost ok, all of this I could justify away on her being broken, her not being ready. I was able to hold hope she would realize all of this and say all the things to set my mind to ease. My blind, naïve, trusting self believed a relationship of any kind was too much for her, that she should not have gotten serious with me, and didn’t have room for that in her life. That she recognized her unhealthy pattern and wanted to change it, or at least that she needed to guard herself and her family. It was the time and emotional commitment to another she was saying she was unable to fit in her life, she wasn’t able to be in a relationship. That all feels ok, that all feels like it is no ones fault, that it’s not really that she didn’t like my kids, that its not really that she couldn’t take on my emotions of my children’s issues. None of this, not one fucking piece of it feels good or ok anymore. Because while I was suffering through the worst pain in my life, struggling to hold on to my life let alone myself. While I was feeling all the pain, she was running and hiding behind a new relationship? The one thing she couldn’t do, and certainly shouldn’t do was start a new relationship…now it looks like within weeks not only had she found someone new, she was instantly in love again…so instead of deal with the pain and loss, she moved on to justify and hide her feelings. Replace one feeling with another, feed love addiction, feed codependency. That is what hurts…and that is what creates the anger. I suffered alone, I did the work to get through my feelings, I was stuck holding the pain. She nearly killed me, that is not an exaggeration. She broke me in ways I never thought possible, the extent, the degree, the intensity of the pain is beyond any feeling good or bad I have ever had. And she disregarded me and my feelings again, for the betterment of herself and her situation. I am a huge fan of karma when it seems to work…I am happy that her new fucking man who seems to not be there for her, her songs are not of joy and new love…but of not wanting lost love or what she has…so it took a couple weeks to fall in love, and a couple more to be on the rocks…can you say pattern? Only this time it looks like its not her choice, not her control…and that makes me feel so good, I know I am I rotten person for feeling that, and am ok with that. I can live with that, and smile about it through clinched teeth of anger and exasperation at the shame I feel for holding out so long for some thing that was never love, but for something from some one who could hurt me so bad. The shame of hope, the thoughts, the dreams, the tears…that I thought maybe just maybe…she meant what she said, and that I did mean something to her, and she will likely think I did, and her bull shit note a few weeks ago about contact being to much for her “heart and head” had nothing to do with hurting about missing you, she is fucking guilty. She has to live with knowing what she did to me, that she lied to me and herself.

    She is shamed by her family and friends for what she put me through and walked away from when things were still good…because of her fears, that she went right out and did the same fucking thing. So, all the people she used to help her through two separations leading to her divorce, her tumor, her worries and doubts with me, her mothers passing and any attempts for support leaving me, aren’t there anymore. They won’t keep standing by and supporting her unhealthy patterns, so she has had to reach out to new friends and be forced to be more dependent on another man, so likely she doesn’t love them, they don’t love her and the relationship with crash and burn and her supports will be less inclined to support her. So her attempt to find herself, to only worry about herself and her family has backfired so horribly. Because I was always good enough for her, I always gave more than she noticed, and her friends and family saw it, and weren’t ok with her sudden flip-flop, because it was not fair and not right to do to some one, and she knew it which is why she did it over text, which is why she never wanted to talk about it…Because it took weeks for her to build her wall, and solidify it in dependency on another to avoid the pain. So I wish her nothing but the worst. I am beyond angry, I am beyond hurt.

  • I just need to remind myself…

    How I was feeling a month ago, how I have felt over the past months. I need to remember all the pain. I need to remember when I was broken and why. I was broken because she couldn’t see a future with me. I was the best thing to come into her life and shaped it in so many ways and was exactly what she needed at the time. But…she didn’t know if she could get over her little hang ups that she felt holding her back…the fear in the pit of her stomach that she could not name. Instead she spent her time telling you how much she loved and needed you every second, followed by fear for not being happy long term? I agree it seems each obstacle she projected once overcome another came in its place. The fear was rationale…we all have it…but it doesn’t always have an identifiable root, and it isn’t always bad. Fears need to be discussed and expressed in an open and safe way. When we know we can do that with our partners the fear is no longer present, it is no longer debilitating. You know your partner can hear your fears and help ease them or share them. You know you are safe because you are secure in the relationship. As amazing as we called our relationship we were never in a safe place to actually discuss our future. We were good to daydream about things, and project about the future, building tradition and building our lives together. But we were not good at talking about our insecurities and fears about the future, about fearing we would fail in a relationship again. She was insecure and worried likely due to nothing that actually had to do with me, she was following her flight response and misidentifying it as her gut telling her something was off. Something was off…this was real, this was going to be work, this was going to be difficult, and for the first time in her life, a man was willing to share his emotions, to hold her emotions, to put her first. This did no jive with her childhood trauma, her years of co-dependent marriage and the realization her mom lived in one for decades. She was very uncomfortable being dependent on another…it was not her nature, not her comfort zone and she felt that, but didn’t identify it…

    And this is the part I need to remember…we could have talked, we could have tried to make it work. She made a choice not too, it doesn’t matter why she did , why she choose it. It doesn’t matter how she has been able to keep her choice, it doesn’t matter what she has decided to do with love and relationships. It does not matter that she is so broken she can’t see and will continue to make the same mistakes. The only thing that matter’s is when she was faced with the choice “Are you strong enough to stand by me through this?” “Are you willing to put in the work?” The answer was a very clear and resounding NO. She is not strong enough to be their for you, she is not willing to put in the work. Because you never would have been good enough? Doesn’t matter. Because she was broken? Doesn’t matter. Because the WHY will never change the WHAT, and its the WHAT which caused all the pain, and that can never be taken back.

  • I am not warm anymore

    I spoke of warm feelings a few days ago, and it got some of the highest likes and comments of anything I have written here thus far. It was a sweet little sentiment that lasted all of a few days…I am no longer warm inside…their may be a heat but it is fueled by anger and disgust. I know everyone is different in how they relate to their world and their relationships. I only ever knew what she told me…I know how people move on, how they heal is different and not a reflection of me or who I was to them. I am a reasonable man who feels as though he is on the edge of insanity. I am aware I am doing it to myself, but also aware I not able to control it at this time, or I choose not too. I found warmth and comfort in the knowledge she was struggling with the end of our relationship, and navigating life after us. That her head and heart at hurting too much…because of the choice she had made. Because of what she had done to you, and was doing to you. I know everyone heals differently, and the end for her was not the same earth shattering reality of losing your person…but this just hurts.

    Those who have read some of my stuff understand the power music had in our relationship, how a playlist was the soundtrack to our love. Months ago now I was surfing around and looking at her playlists, searching for that connection that I didn’t want to lose. There was activity that could have been meant for me to see (or not) and could have been about me or not. I think hey I will start sending out my own lists, and additions to lists. Now, I don’t know for sure if during this time she was looking at my stuff of not, but I was clearly trying to send her a message through the music. THEN boom, she starts a new playlist, called MY❤ . Songs were carefully selected to not be ones from OUR list…some songs were added, deleted added at different times, not the pattern of past lists either…maybe reflections of my lists…or maybe no connection at all…maybe I was playing cat and mouse without a mouse. But suddenly the playlist is made private or deleted…this shows me she has an awareness at least that she can remove them, she is Spotify savvy, so it is not a stretch for me to believe she was aware, because this also meant that when she took herself of one collaborator list, and not the other I would see, that she still liked the list she took herself off. She she had already taken down one of our older playlists not the one, but part of the one. So I again saw she took notice of what was there…so when she did not and still has not taken down the list “songs to share someday” it makes me wonder…Why would she not take that one down? It is clearly there in order between lists she uses, and yet it sits there untouched. See there is where it gets so hard, because all I want to believe is the best in her, don’t want to think she doesn’t care, or even to think she doesn’t know its there and I see it…but I just don’t think she is that clueless, and can’t accept she is that cold hearted. So the Spotify game stone cold, she took down the My❤ list, and added nothing to anything else (on her public lists, now she could have dozens she is intentionally not showing me, which again begs why show me the “someday” mix?) You see this is all stuff in my mind, based on pieces of reality, based on pieces of assumptions, but all consuming. She was all consuming when we were together and still is now…and why I would allow anyone that power over me is mind boggling. When she stopped suddenly on Spotify, she also unblocked me on Facebook…so we could see activity etc, past posts, not friends, but able to see things…seemed very odd coincidence in the timing. The Facebook prompted the note that got the response about the forest through the trees, the codependency pieces etc. Which I read into as positives that she could be working her way back to an us, I read into it that there was hope, she then gave them all heart emojis which makes me sound like a juvenile, but she had said once before this emoji was purposeful, it meant something. The last time we separated, I had questioned the intention of one of her messages and she had said “I hearted it, I would not have done that it wasn’t a positive message.” So I was on a hey maybe high, I gave myself a false sense of closure, a false sense of projected hope, a false since of security. I thought my feelings were safe, I thought I was good…I was not, I am not, and it hit me like a ton of bricks, a ton of bricks I have been staking myself, mind you, knowing full well I can’t balance them, and they will inevitably fall on me like a ton of bricks.

    So warm me starts seeing stuff on Spotify!!! That hope mechanism triggered again…start reading into them they are about wanting and longing for another and not having them…still not on the sacred list of our songs though. These songs being added to random lists and them BOOM new list…with the name “Sam Man❤.

    ****POINT of REFERENCE**** the List was dubbed by her to be powerful enough and connected enough to us to get us through hard times. WE listened to the mix during sex, we slept with it on repeat, it was engrained in our most intimate moments. A list with anyone else is gonna sting…it was our thing…a list about being in love, wanting and needing someone so bad, in such a short period after our break up stings more, the thought I have been out of my mind for the past few months with pain and she has been falling in love and in the same traps as before, that she used a new love to not have to deal with all the pain I did, if feels like she was selfish and so broken and lost. But I can’t let her brokenness overshadow the fact she consciously made her choices, she knows what she did and is doing. So she has a new list and many same songs as our list…I hope my fucking face crosses her mind when she is in bed with him, that my face runs through her mind while she sleeps with him…because I truly don’t know how any song on that list could not make her think of me…(unless its all fucking bullshit and always was…but I am smarter than that right?)

    So she made a new list and in it were several songs from our main playlist? more than half? How could she not know for real? Was it intentional? Does she think I am looking? They also tend to have a theme of addiction/substance use in them, they are all about love and wanting what isn’t there.

    So one of two scenarios out of the many I have come down to is this. ONE: It is for a guy named Sam, who she has fallen madly in love with, and already feels lost in love and searching for, making it right, making him stay…almost the Karma fuck she deserves but also maddening!!! The thought she could be in this spot again in her relationship so soon, even sooner if you believe this list is about the same guy the one a month ago was…because that timeline has her head over heals in love in a couple weeks. Who knows maybe the list is for love number two since our break-up 10 weeks ago? What hurts most about that? That is shows dishonesty, deceit, and selfishness. She didn’t need or take time for herself of her family, but rather did the same thing again. It shows that she hide from the pain our ending meant and plunged into another, all to avoid feeling. And in doing so she fell into her same old cycle…but maybe this time the puppet doesn’t like the strings, and she doesn’t have complete control and that drives her more nuts…because if she actually did fall in love in weeks after us…the message that sent to her friends and family who just watched me stand by her and her family through the hardest times of her life. They saw me take the rollercoaster ride and stay on every step of the way…they listened to how it was all ok, because I was the one, I was everything she ever wanted or needed…they would have questioned her, she would have isolated them, only drawing her closer to the new love, making her push even harder for that new to be true…because it was the only way not feel horrible about doing it, if this new person was the “real, real thing” that is was okay. Sure I had been the most amazing ever, never like me before…so if this was the “real real thing” our relationship is contrast to prove “well I thought it was real for Tim..but no this is actually real” so again justifying and making it easier on her (not a trait I want in partner) So the pressure was on, and the pattern was the same and has imploded on her again. My worry is guilt and self-pity have fueled so many of her life choices that this will drive her even further from herself, I worry about her drinking. Not my worries to hold, and honestly I should be mad, and should be angry and feel some justice or validation for her suffering, to hold some moments of pride. In that world she is likely destined to repeat it over and over, hurting more and more, and losing more and more of herself. I need to remind myself, I am not on this roller coaster anymore, I can get off. I need to remind myself that I woke some mornings so happy, so looking for that connection…but I also woke some many mornings worried that she changed her mind overnight again and was backing off. I would wake up and frantically run around my house to get what I know she wanted me to done in the morning…because if I didn’t I would get the judged side of her, the critical, passive reminder that I was not good enough… to look at those times not as her questioning because she is unhealthy (no don’t give her that break, don’t let her off easy) but every time was because I WAS NEVER GOING TO BE GOOD ENOUGH…when you are truly in love, when you have a pure connection…you don’t doubt it…you don’t have insecurities that go ignored. In a real connected and open and safe relationship you can talk about it…we never did because you didn’t want to “hurt me” and that they were your worries no mine. Every time you said that you were wrong, you were not validating my feelings, only defending yours. You were not what you claimed to be….I don’t ever want to have to worry if the woman I love, loves me back….I don’t want to worry if I am good enough for them. This scenario lets me be mad, lets me get angry, and lets me let go. It tells me what I need to do to not get hurt again.

    The SECOND scenario: Is that she has also been thinking of me still, battling being apart. Had been off of Spotify and then back to make some lists. That she knows I can see them and they are for me. That she too hopes we are connecting in this way. That she put songs from our list on this new one for the first time intentionally also. That the love she desperately wants but is not sure she can have is my love…is related to me. That it has always been about me and she has been living this same nightmare of healing, while holding the pain of our pasts. Knowing we both want something different, but that we want if from each other. That we are both so afraid of not making it, of having to feel this pain again that we can’t bring ourselves to do it, but that we struggle with this daily because the love and the pull is so strong. So I know the fact the name of the list is “Sam Man ❤” should be all the fucking clue I need…It again is not super clear…its a bit odd. Her other current list that she has been updating for 3 years now is called W-O-M-A-N. So is “Sam Man” a play on words? And not a person at all? Why add “man” is it a play on words what could it be? This is where the am I crazy or not keeps coming into play, and I know its because I search for the meaning…but also feel I may have been meant to search. So Samman translates into “together” in Swedish. I am Swedish, I don’t speak it but with Wallstrom as the last name, and being second generation, it is a clear theme in my life. So odd coincidence? Very odd if so…. Next would be looking at Sam as an abbreviation, which could mean Stop Annoying Me, Secret Agent Man, Sex Asian Male. All things that would be good indications if meant for me. As noted above I am Swedish not Asian, and stop annoying me is just painful…but none really match the list…stop annoying me and songs professing a want and need don’t make sense in my head. Then there is this definition “Sam “(transitive, UK dialectal, of persons) To bring together; join (in marriage, friendship, love, etc.).” so again maybe a freaking coincidence and we can find them where ever we look if we try hard enough…Couldn’t have a simple name, couldn’t be straight forward. So, again leaves that door of hope open.

    So for me or for another? On one hand if for me ok…its nice. If is is not for me…as much as I shouldn’t care I do. As much as I was/am ready to walk away it hurts. I think because it creates a reflection or image in my mind of a time when I still hurt so deeply for her, and still wanted her so much, so much time energy wasted…and while I was wasting away she was doing some one else…that she took and got the easy way out. So instead of feeling warm, I feel torn, hurt, and betrayed…all because I went and fucking looked…all because I held hope. I think all that door is doing at this time is letting in the cold draft that freezes my heart where it is, not allowing the warmth to stay.

  • If just feels warm….

    I think about you a lot. I miss you. I have no idea what that means. I am in a better place with my job, parenting, and my health both physical and mental then I have been in many years. You broke me to the bottom of my soul, a pain like nothing I have felt before and like nothing I ever want to feel again. It has shown me what is important to me, what has value in my life and my heart. It has made me look at my current relationships with myself, my children, co-workers and friends in a new light. I am being me and never felt more free and connected at the same time. I wake happy, not full of dread, not full of stress. I wake with an open heart and open mind to the realities and possibilities of my days. I have found that no matter what the reality, there is always the possibility of happiness, and I try and choose that every day. Despite all of this, I still miss you. Not in a bad, sad or needy way…but I feel warm feelings when I think of you now, I don’t know how else to explain it other than warm, and that’s in contrast to the pain, doubt and anger that was there before. The warmth feels good…and I don’t know why.

  • Ok Haiku again…..

    NIGHT
    
    The night sky was red
    Warm mist in the clean wind blows
    Droplets bloomed out pink
  • Trying my hand a Haiku…

    Night

    When I see
    The light is out
    Night is here
    
    OK so I see now that I can not count syllables correctly for the Haiku...so attempt I failed so round two....
    
    NIGHT
    
    The night sky was red
    Warm mist in the clean wind blows
    Droplets bloomed out pink
    
    
    I think this second attempt looks about right.....